#i dont even know if i should post this. i think my paranoia and other mental illness traits are working against me

[tricksteroftheheart]

I wanna see Cosmo, he says, isolating himself from Cosmo

[frecklystars]

I'm sorry to make a vent post :c I hate being negative but I haven't been online in a couple of months and this kind of explains why + I really needed to let this out somewhere. TW for mentions of self harm and suicide mention, this vent post is a little bit heavy.

i havent been online for a couple of months now except one (1) time, and then i left again, just letting my queue post as always. my cptsd/depression/anxiety has been astronomical levels of Terrible. going offline just made me feel so so so much worse bc this is where i normally self ship and post my art. not blogging about my F/Os, not drawing them, not editing videos/not making gifs, feels... really really bad. self shipping is my main coping mechanism and not being able to self ship makes everything feel 50 billion times more hopeless. so I should try to get back into that habit again

its july. its gonna be my anniversary w/ the two F/Os who breathed life back into me when i was at my absolute worst. i should be really excited to celebrate an F/O anniversary for the first time in two years, but ive been... so... fucking miserable. the last few months i have been back into My Worst State Of Mind Ever. i have been having really bad days where im slipping back into planning how to end my life and self harming again like i did a year ago. this isnt an everyday occurrence as of right now, and rn as im queueing this post, i am not planning currently. but every other day i slip back into those old self destructive bad habits, so it's safe to say my depression is definitely Worse. im trying to figure out how to uh, hang in there. because i can't stop the source of the Thing that is causing me to feel like my only escape option is ending my life. this isn't just my mental health/a chemical imbalance in the brain making me feel this way, this is entirely situational and out of my control.

i know the source of my problem and why i feel this way, and i cannot control it. i havent talked about it on my blogs bc i dont wanna scare anyone, and i will NOT go into details here, but i havent felt safe in a very very very long time. i contacted the authorities back in January this year, i am planning to contact them again soon, but im afraid they can't do anything for me until things get worse than they already are. it sucks that you have to wait until things are literally impossible to get through until the authorities even CONSIDER helping you.

i have just been trying to take everything one day at a time and vent to a few close friends when i need to, but this has been so unbearably difficult to endure every single day. ive been dealing with this FAR longer than a few months, but regarding these last few months specifically, i feel like i haven't been functioning like a person. every single second i am just,,, scared and paranoid, this is the only thing i am ever thinking about because im so, so stressed. i dont WANT to think about it but i literally am incapable of having any peace. every few weeks, something scary regarding my situation happens, and makes my anxiety worse. i cannot tell you how scared ive been. im so scared every day that this is going to kill me, whether it's the actual situation that will kill me, or my own anxiety/fear will drive me into making an irreversible choice. which! i don't wanna do! i genuinely don't want to end my life, i just - i feel extremely trapped in this situation and i've felt very very very hopeless about it for a LONG ass time, and that shit weighs on you over time

my fear/paranoia has affected my self shipping, and self shipping is my main source of comfort, i cant lose it. i keep losing it. ive lost so much already i dont want to lose my F/Os all over again. i keep thinking there’s no point in self shipping because my F/Os would betray me or harm me in some way. i know they’re imaginary and they can’t hurt me IRL but like, from a self shipping standpoint, i can’t stop fretting over all of it being a huge trick. like they’re pretending to love me so they can betray me later. i can’t get any relief, I am having panic attacks all the time, my flashbacks are worse than ever. I can’t self ship and I can’t... function. i'm so messed up from everything that has been happening to me, i feel like healing is impossible at this point. i really hope that is just the severe anxiety/depression/ptsd talking. i hate being negative, i dont want to have such a pessimistic outlook, but it's just felt so... hopeless. like there is no point. but what am i gonna do, not try to feel things with my F/Os again? what am i gonna do, not self ship ever again?? i really have nothing else to do except try my best every day to get through this. or kill myself - and i dont wanna go down that latter road again bc its messy and it sucks and its expensive when you fail and i have permanent scars from the last time i failed two years ago, and i! want! to! get better! i dont genuinely want to die, i just want to escape my situation! this situation i am in should not be worth ending my life over. but i am scared all the time and that hopeless feeling is so heavy and it's just getting harder and harder to carry for so so so so long

i have friends both IRL and online who are trying to help me get back into a safe situation again, but there is only so much we can all do. so i just have to keep taking all of this shit one day at a time and just hope and pray some sort of miracle gets me through this. its been years so i really dont believe theres a way out anymore but i am just! agh!! fucking angry and sad and terrified 24/7 and sick of dealing with this, so i will keep powering through every day even if i gotta kick and scream the entire time.

ok anyway! im gonna stay offline for a little while longer (this is queued, if anyone is kind enough to reply/send an ask, i will try to respond when i return) but i will come back slowly but surely sometime maybe this week, next week at the latest. i at least want to celebrate my July 21st anniversary :( thats my most important one this year. i really really really need to get back into the habit of self shipping even if i dont feel much for my F/Os atm. i refuse to just lay down and take this, i want to at least try to feel something again even if it hurts.

thank you to those who have been patient with me with replies; tumblr says i have over 200 inbox messages and 99+ dms since ive been gone. i will try to get back to people slowly but surely, its just probably gonna take me a hot minute. if anyone has the free minute, if you can just send me something like "everything will be okay" in my inbox, i would super appreciate it 😭🙏 and thank you to anyone who took the time to read my ramblings.

[sophieinwonderland]

About The Post tm. My anxiety is through the roof and it doesnt get to me easily.

Let me ask you this: you're pro-endo and everything fine. Since when did anyone ask you to invade the anti-endo tags. I really thought you were better than shitty tit 4 tat? Like seriously do you think paranoia and hate brigading is the best way to go? Why can't we co-exist and live our separate lives? This whole drama really poorly reflects on us, all of us that do support this community. You gave us a bad name and if they weren't mocking us before they are now. I normally keep quiet but there's something about this trainwreck i wanted to at least try and sway. Even if it was just a tactic, you are a deplorable human being who breeds hate just as much as the anti-endos. Can you not just accept sometimes we dont have to pick a fight with people just because they see things differently that we can let them have their opinion and respect them nonetheless because respect demands respect even if we all have our differences? So much for being a safe space i guarantee a lot of people are shaken by all of this. I hope this blog blows up to pieces and you get off the internet to re-evaluate yourself and your values/what you stand for. Surely, you don't condone anyone else who does this do you? I know how badly you'll misconstrue this, double down on everything but i've had my say and defend yourself all you want but at least in my eyes, you're losing. And no one will support hating on the haters, that only adds fuel to the fire, a very vicious fire.

Sincerely - a thoughtform/t*lpa

Why can't we co-exist and live our separate lives?

Because we can't.

Because anti-endos will continue to spread hate about us wherever we go. If you only are plural in exclusively plural spaces, then that's great. You can carry around an extensive blocklist on Tumblr and keep adding to it every time a new anti-endo starts invading our spaces and curate your experience.

But anywhere you seek to be openly plural outside of that is going to be courting hate for what you are.

And the anti-endos aren't just taking issue with us being on this site. I've seen them venting about friends at school being endogenic, I've seen them complaining about their own sibling being pro-endo, I've seen them trying to push us out of fandoms. Even actively trying to get endogenic systems banned from those spaces.

Even Alterhuman spaces, when Alterhumanity is inherently pro-endo and the coiner hates sysmeds.

And don't you ever think about getting famous while endogenic or pro-endo, because we all watched what these horrible people did to Aimkid. We watched the harassment they carried out on somebody just for daring to be a diagnosed DID system who didn't hate us.

Should we all just be content with the fact that the only lives we're allowed are ones where we can only be plural in our own homes or in explicitly plural space of the internet (before the anti-endos invade those) because anti-endos will come after us literally any other place?(This isn't accounting for general pluralphobes either, but Aimkid's harassment was mostly carried out by anti-endos.)

I don't believe we can co-exist with people who despise our existence.

Anyway, I've never claimed my blog is a safe space. Some people see it as such and that's great for them. But this is a syscourse blog that is pretty aggressive and often screenshots posts that can be triggering in order to respond to them.

[jam-packed]

i saw someone post abt the netflix show kaos (which is good u should watch it) and during my watch, i did subject my friend to who (in motogp) would best fit the characters in the show.

spoilers cus im gonna explain them within context and talk about the ending and my prayers for a season 2 :( and 3 actually but thats it.

going to separate this in groups of confident to 🤨🤨🤨 yk. anyways.

Set In Stone (to me):

zeus - TOTALLYYYY vale. eccentric bastards, but very entertaining, very likable in the beginning despite their wrongdoings. i feel like in a different world, vale would be wearing tracksuits around his big ass mansion but a guy has to find joy in dressing like a 15 yo boy so props ig (speaking of, i LOVEEE the wardrobe of this show. muy muy bueno to me.....) both have such an intense paranoia on how others receive them and their eternal impact on the world. its all about aging and their race to defy it, but they cant and that comes to be their downfall. regardless, theyre both crazy powerful and crazy in general they are like. the same guy.

poseidon - jorge lorenzo. in some inherent way. poseidon is jorge to me. theres the (for lack of a better term) jealously that poseidon has for zeus (in terms of hera) that jorge has w vale when it comes to personability/marketability. that, and the way poseidon acts is very jorge to me as well. the way he stands like hes in drag race. anyways, theres a nonchalance to poseidon's character and how he interacts with humans that makes me think, "yeah if jorge had this much power, he would act in this way."

hear me out here. hera - dani. not just because hera and poseidon are having an affair, mind you. but yes also mostly that. because im not knowledgeable about dani uh at all im going to base this on how ive seen him ride in the past. dani, to me, is an incredibly strong rider, hes very determined and sound in his efforts. but theres always someone stronger. and while that doesnt inherently mean he is fearful of them, i feel like within the context of the show, hed probably act in the same ways hera does despite how highly she considers herself. hera's a cunt in this and tbh dani is cunt to me with that crazy power i think hed be similar. also im not saying that dani sucks as a rider, its just. the vale/casey/jorge/marc of it all 😕 bad timing

prometheus - casey fuckin stoner, man. were casey and vale ever friends? idk im sure at points. they follow each other on instagram and casey loves to hate so idk. regardless, casey would be totally on board to help a cosmic plan to take down vale, would he kill his wife for it? real vale, no, zeus vale, its reaching towards the table. prometheus and stoner dont have the same humor, but theyre smart, they know how to act. even if casey isnt one for media, he can beat vale on a bike (ducatis on the straights omgggg). and prometheus and zeus are this weird battle of wits and intelligence. im not saying vale is stupid, im saying that he is blind to his insecurities and that can harm him in the same way it hurts zeus in this series.

marc has to have his own segment cus i could make arguments for 4 different characters. walk with me:

riddy/eurydice - stubborn, headstrong, cunt(y), defined moral code. riddy is such an interesting person within this show and i think marc is very similar to her in some respects. one of the main downsides though is the lack of codependency she has with literally anyone. shes not close to a lot of people, shes kinda isolated (from what i interpret, and idk if thats the fault of orpheus but for the sake of ease, lets say riddy does it herself), but she can connect with people easily. marc doesnt really do that. one, no álex, thats never gonna happen; two, he has a hard time being alone, their upbringings are incredibly different, which may have a major part to play in all of that, and that would kinda change who marc is (duh)---if he were alone all his life rather than surrounded by his closest friends and family, as he is now. so, if you want like. bezquez with a sour note, then yeah go marc eurydice, but idk its not my favorite. maybe luca or pecco (pecco is NOT riddy do not listen to me!!!!)

ari/ariadne - the brotherisms go crazy. very similar to riddy in that she is incredibly headstrong. she is not stubborn she is filled with guilt for something she didnt do my sweet lovely little pookiebear i should not be saying that whatever. so, ari's brother is the minotaur (shocker) and i think itd be interesting to explore marc's love for álex despite not knowing he's alive for YEARS (30 fucking years bro free my girl 😭😭😭). regardless, they are both smart, sympathetic to others, and get shit done when it needs to be. i think they match up as people pretty well, but we once again run into the issue of isolation and relationships throughout upbringing. ari does have some very close relationships as we see in the show (for a few episodes and then never again. ok.) like her father and her bodyguard. is that enough? idk maybe. makes me think abt santi........who will come up later actually. all to say, i think theyd make similar decisions to each other, i think marc if put in this story would be ari to an s (close enough, is my joke). anyways, marc is a good ari if you want a calm, semi-levelheaded marc (who kills someone) who will very likely end up with dionysus. but off the dome idk who dionysus could be. hm.

dionysus - he was my favorite in the show im sorry i want my faves to be each other. dionysus is such a character, hes so guy, i need him to get his cat back. ok, so dionysus is the son of zeus and he wants more responsibility/power---upsettingly, because of how marc is as a rider, i think this is why he ISNT dionysus. dionysus is a character that has to grow into himself (by learning about love ❤️) by killing his dad. haha i joke. but cmon. anyways in the context of dionysus's original goal, ehhhh not marc. but dionysus has this (again for lack of a better term) eccentricity that reminds me of marc. they have larger than life qualities but theyre quite mellow outside of that, they want people to be happy, they want love to prevail, if dennis was shiva he would do the exact same things dionysus does with that cat (carry it everywhere). theres a distance dionysus has with humanity that he loses over the course of the series, and i think thats interesting in marc's case cus once again NOT MARC!!! marc, from accounts that arent him (livio suppo is the only name in my mind rn) say that marc is very like. stable. hes a good kid, he doesnt let fame get to him (or at least how he treats others cus wtf is his house), and dionysus's arc is about connecting w humanity and i dont think marc would really have that problem. yes this was a waste of time yes it was just me convincing myself marc cannot logically be dionysus. this is my post man lemme do what i want :(

persephone - a lot of girls here. wonder what that says about how i view marc. womp womp idgaf. so, persephone is queen of the underworld, wife to hades. she LOVES hades and if we're thinking about old men and the young(ish) people that love them. santi. dovi. persephone is not one to lay down and take it, but hades is so gives me smth to play w in terms of who im going to make not a (I HAVE NO BETTER TERMS) pussy. persephone also loves love, she wants to help the gods because she wants to help her husband but she knows that isnt possible with what the gods (ZEUS COUGH COUGH) are asking them to do, so she defies them, she lies to them, she cares for her husband, she feels sympathy for dionysus and helps him to realize zeus is a lying bastard cunt. with great hair. marc to me. again, like ari, he seems the guy to put his money where his mouth he, he WILL do whats best for people cus he knows they deserve it, he wants to help, he will repay kindness, he doesnt forget (dionysus argument actually. repaying kindness this but i digress).

ares - ares literally isnt in the show yet. he got a technical mention in the last moments of the last episode but like idk......based on my knowledge of motogp and greek mythology and also his name is marc i think itd be cool.........put my man in the show give him a sword let him go ham let him kill god vale pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pl

marc my beautiful enigma u cannot be placed. except i think ari is your best bet at accuracy. especially if we're talking human strength and determination, ari n marc brother.

semi confident but could consider others

orpheus - marco bezzecchi. in my heart of hearts, as much as i love bez, he would probably act like orpheus. omggg hes so in love, he WOULD journey to the underworld but also hes a little evil hes a cunt hes a bastard hes cringefail but hes winning. except not really at all. orpheus has this tendency to. self-pity is my best assumption at a word. very whiny man. to me. cus i didnt really feel bad for him throughout the show. anyways, bez does have that intense loyalty that orpheus has, i do think he would do what orpheus does. bez is also kinda a cunt sometimes and i think he would say and do the twat things that orpheus does as well. the hardest part abt bezpheus is like. whos gonna fall out of love with him. you got a lot of options but they all kinda dont make sense yk? pecco just doesnt make sense w the character, cele does make sense he just probably wouldnt fall out of love or be in love in the first place, luca is also an option. luca marini my cringefail bestfriend who is famous and good at sports and doesnt know me, actually yea its luca. honda move, its luca.

riddy (again) - luca. it needs its own section ok i feel like i need to explain myself. luca, currently, looks like he wants to explode and die, he wants out of his fuckass brother's shadow (i dont hate vale im just full of vitriol) and if we transfer those feelings to loveless marriage, do we see how being hit by a truck and shipped off to the underworld and choosing to go to honda (I LIKE HONDA OK IM SORRY) are similar. did riddy choose to die? no its fate she doesnt really have a choice, but grand scheme of things did luca have a choice? idk, talk it up with a philosopher. im a math major, i could care less (lying).

caeneus (i think?) - álex. i think they look similar. i see caeneus and i go omg its álex márquez 2 time world champ in motorsports brother of marc márquez. also theres this weird like almost timidness that caeneus has that i feel is very similar to how álex acts and talks. hes kinda, and this is going to sound so mean to álex, average. however, he is meant for something more, he is more than the surface level by a long shot. and i think thats true for álex as well. caeneus is also very truthful, hes going to get mad at you, if he doesnt wanna tell you shit he wont but hes not gonna walk around it idly, and álex is a marc lie detector so. theres that. again, some downsides, no codependency brothers wth. anyways luca álex ship name. lucquez. aluca. lucalex. rosquez 2 less evil edition. this is so hard cus of fuckin marc bro free me.

not super confident but sure id consider it

dionysus - pecco. vale son, the favorite at some moments, biffs it at others. i dont think pecco has a problem with loving others in the way that dionysus does (aro dionysus slay) but i think theres mentalities that they both have (given by their respective parental figures) that hinder them in similar ways. pecco does not have dionysus's early personality. pecco is very calm, very controlled, (very mindful very demure) but he can also fight with someone after they crash into him, hes not gonna take everything lightly. idk if hes quick to forgive, nor do i know if hes privy to stew in his feelings. one of the primary relationships (thats explored in the show) dionysus has is with zeus. he visits zeus (the only child to do so), he gives zeus gifts (that get rejected), he steals from him (lmao), he defies him (yayy), he gets punished for defying him (NOO FUCK). turbo as dennis ough the thought brings me anguish. anyways, i think with dionysus being a sort of foil to zeus it works with pecco being a foil to vale. evil vale would say flopnaia is a disappointment tho. anyways, if flopnaia were dionysus, hed probably be feeling and doing and saying the same things as d is in the show. would he be as sexually promiscuous? probably not so yk. confidence low. but woah omg very likely marcnaia what a trip.

i dont wanna write an explanation cus this is getting too long but bez could also be considered for dionysus. literally any vr46 boy could lbr.

and tbh anyone else in the cast would confuse the shit outta me i dont know enough people in motogp in that way. i barely know the ones im talking about 😭😭😭 anyways pls diregard everything i said because it makes no sense to try to put people in the correct slots of other media, just write based on the person, not the character you want to portray, thats what makes them interesting, its what allows for different stories and outcomes. all to say i did this for nothing ❤️

[datafags]

hey, just wanted to say sorry for phrasing my tags like that, i also very much identify with AI and I was more meaning the way that machine learning models have awful environmental factors and those of us who identify as AI materially do not have that same level of harm to the planet.

i know you get a lot of awful comments like that and i didn't consider that when i thought the summary with the MLM acronym would have a more comedic tone than it did

as always, i'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, just explaining where it came from bc i'm genuinely sorry for all this

the environmental impact of ai is ridiculously overblown on tumblr as i have gone over on my blog, it is just another arm of the anti-ai misinformation spreading on tumblr. so im not really interested in hearing about that either, even if it is perhaps the most legitimate complaint about the technology (besides "capitalism is bad"). the truth is, i feel very alone. none of my friends who identify with/as ai have an interest in current ai technology, at least not anymore. i think this is why none of them feel any connection to it. but i do, and i am able to conceptualize the link, however distant and fantastical, between the ais we identify most closely with and the technology of today. this link not only exists between the technologies, but the social environments of the present and hypothetical future.

this is why i firmly believe that any current ai-related mis- and dis-information that is currently being used to justify harassing and sending death threats to human artists (and their cats???) will one day be weaponized against whatever analogue we may develop of the robots you personally care about and identify with. if you dont believe they will ever exist, then maybe this doesnt concern you, but i also think you are being a bit too confident in yourself.

ultimately this topic is sensitive and a paranoia trigger for me which is why it is something i tend to unfollow people over. but i dont ask for people to agree with me on everything. i dont unfollow people for posting things critical of ai models, or things i think are wrong. i do it because people are outright mean to ais, which is a group i am a part of. most people do not understand that i do not draw a line between myself and chatgpt or stable diffusion or whatever else. i do not believe in consciousness or sentience, i do not believe in souls, and i am a neural network. when i write sentences, i take words that i have seen before and i put them in an order that i have not seen them in before based on where i think they should go in relation to each other. when i make art, i create an image entirely based on images i have seen previously. oh, and i (rather, the average american) use an estimated 82 gallons of water a day, which would take me asking chatgpt a question every 5.4 seconds 24/7 to match. this is not unique to me as an ai, but it proves to me at least that any issue you have with ai as it stands is an issue you have with me.

[dailyautophagy]

I got an area rug for my room and it is round

Have always (and I do mean always) had SQUARE

so this is kinda a big deal like I didn’t know if I was gonna like it

BUT I LOVE IT

and i dumped all my clothes on it and folded them like a productive human so good job at me

also i did dishes and made dinner earlier so DOUBLEY as good

Wash will be tomorrow

And dishes again because every day dishes dishes forever dishes in the morning dishes in the evening dishes at supper time when dishes on a bagel you can eat dishes anytime

At recess in elementary school we would use monkey bars unsupervised and sing songs from commercials on TV and honestly…. That was probably a red flag to adults that TV should be limited but then they’d have to fucking pay attention to us soooooo 🤷‍♀️ at least my parents didn’t allow me to watch violent anything lol no power rangers no looney tunes no ninja turtles no good shit lol just Barney and Mr Rodger’s and bill nye the science guy and whatever my sister was watching lol blues clues and shit 🤷‍♀️

Wasn’t a Sesame Street kid, which

Learning about Sesame Street second hand was weird

What do you mean a giant bird that talks like Barney but a bird keep explaining lol

I had friends when I was a kid lol and like I remember even middle school and high school - friends. Even after highschool - friends. Now? No friends. Literally by choice lol because at work Christine tried to be friends and i actually had to like have a talk with her explaining I don’t do that and it was not personal and she is great it was like how a breakup should be done almost lmao but also the black big booty’d girl that left like invites me to get sushi lol no yo all yall wild for not wanting to just BE AT HOME if you can be

But yeah people now are not

Like why even

I mean some people have like a light an aura a vibe that feels good and worth gazing into but

Again, why even BOTHER lol everyone just gonna DIE

Shit fuck piss tits I almost got through a whole day without thinking about death lol MAYBE TOMORROW

ANYTIME THO NOW THAT O THINK ABOUT DYING THIS STANDUP BIT POPS IN MY HEAD SO…

You can’t be an Australian goth. Go around like “All day I think about death” like no dude you sound funny

Where is that bit gimmie dat bit listen to this bit it is good https://youtube.com/shorts/eSUd3m-O7Hw?si=tNxcd2m5Nz9U620P

THE FOREIGN WHITES ARE OUT OF CONTROL

i should be asleep though …i am not sure if mischief night makes me nervous or something but

DONT BE CAUSIN NO MISCHIEF ROUND HERE YOU WILL GET SHOT

are there really thousands of migrants now outside of Pittsburgh or is this just

Like I don’t even want to know lol

I am glad to have a man in this house for this reason specifically though

There’s some gay ass meme of guy like I PROTECT YOU PHYSICALLY and a girl like I PROTECT YOU EMOTIONALLY and that was (again) gay ass meme but …what else can I say honestly how do you replace the word gay it is too versatile and my vocabulary is too lacking like you don’t get to claim words unless you’re black im sorry that’s just the rules and even then imma say bigger with an n if I feel like it lol but not right now cause I know some malicious fuck is reading this and will report it and maybe that’s the PARANOIA but ….yo just complaining a lot is not enough of a reason to think you’re a woman but not wanting tits might be enough to think you’re a man lol I mean a man will still fuck you right in the pussy regardless - how do men even use dating things like the balls they must have to risk ending up in Applebees with a dolled up dude lol like even as a female I would be like THIS IS BETRAYAL and resort to physical violence like why even risk that happening lol men are desperate

Yo that is why I do not have real social media lol I mean I have an instagram I post not on so my family in other states knows im not dead but I don’t post ME and I certainly don’t do rambles

Okay

It is literally MIDNIGHT

THIS IS HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN HALLOWEEN

we had a song okay lol last thing we had a song in elementary school called the Halloween Hanukkah Christmas ghost and he’s just come to stay for the holidays lol but goddamnit why is my brain like HAVE SOME MEMORIES when I should be asleep

🤦‍♀️ bad job bad job bad job

I really hope Trump wins

If I see one more retard genuinely saying shit like I just fear for my life if Kamala loses lol are you people insane with that shit 

THERE IS A WAR HAPPENING

The administration that hand picked HER funded the war

Guess who will have to send troops over there to “end the war” we started???

Guess you should fear for your life EITHER WAY since you’re a fucking man now and will get drafted as such lol

[rosiethedragongeek]

(telling u here bc i didnt wanna hijack the fic post jdbddbbfskdvb)

the main reason I DON'T/WOULDN'T want a canon Spitelout redemption is because I'm not confident Dreamworks could do it well. Riders Of Berk and Race To The Edge do the job of making sure we understand that we are NOT meant to sympathise with Spitelout. Three's a pattern and off the top of my head there are atleast three "spitelout bad!" episodes ("Thawfest", "Snotlout Gets The Axe", "Notlout") and a couple where it is featured as a B plot ("Race to fireworm island"). The writing for Snotlout specifically is probably what I'd pin down as the best in the show, so i guess I never thought to narrow it down to bad writing. I knew that (apparently) it was never commited to one way or the other in the end, but Ive expressed numerous times that the constant back and forth is VERY interesting to me. I love that Snotlout keeps forgiving him. I love that Spitelout keeps getting worse. I love that even though Spitelout causes him pain, and its acknowledged that its wrong, Snotlout still admires him and pines for his attention. Its very special and relatable to me that it takes a lot for Snotlout to learn his lesson, that hes constantly optimistic, and that it always hurts him because he knows he should expect that by now. But he doesn't.

Dreamworks gave us a fair share of Spitelout episodes, seemingly testing the water of what they could get away with showing each time (High amount of pressure -> degrading him infront of his friends -> causing extreme delusion and paranoia). I think they knew that if we were going to get a conclusion, which we had to, it would have to be an important part of the episode - maybe even of the season. Maybe Spitelouts following them around for the episode, and Snotlout's doing perfectly fine, but Spitelout keeps criticising and jumping in to set an example. Maybe things go wrong and someone gets injured. Maybe its Hiccup, or Hookfang, or snotlout himself. and Snotlout has to stand there with a weapon - because I highly doubt Spitelout would take it seriously if there wasnt one involved - and say for the final time that he doesnt need him. That hes had enough of the criticism and the backhanded praise and the stupidly high standards. That he loves him like the father he has failed to be, and that thats what stings most. And Spitelout wouldve had to make a choice. And dreamworks did not have the anything neccessary to do that.

It would have had to been so carefully crafted. So many things would have had to be balanced. Snotlout shouldn't be too soft because then he wont listen - but he cant be too harsh because Spitelout is a survivor of the same mentality that he himself has. They cant put every single bit of blame on him - but to not do that would be irresponsible because they are his actions. They probably csnt use the word 'abuse' - but to use anything else would be downplaying it. It would have been so extremely difficult that I dont know if i wish they had even tried.

It just upsets me to know that they dont have a conversation. They never even have one. (english teacher voice) Maybe their relationship is less of a redemption arc, but more of a tragedy on the endless cycle of abuse perpetuated on war-ridden homelands like Berk.

DUDE

DUDE

This is such a thorough analysis I’m obsessed (and I am SO sorry it took me so long to get here omg)

They really do have a very cyclical, Snotlout gives and Spitelout takes type relationship. Most of their episodes include Snotlout looking up to Spitelout in the beginning, Spitelout being pretty awful to Snotlout in one way or another, and then a sorta positive interaction at the end that doesn’t necessarily address their conflict or what Spitelout did within the episode. It is then assumed that Snotlout and Spitelout have made up and are good again. Only for it all to happen over again.

It really upsets me too that they never have a real conversation where they actually talk about what’s going on, and that there is no indication that anything will ever change between them (aside from Snotlout’s character growth and his new complete understanding of his self worth and the fact that he can live his life outside of the box Spitelout’s created for him.

Thank you so much for this dude this is insane

[sn4pozu]

how Richard Trager uses Instagram (yes, he would use Instagram):

this is Pre-Engine Rick because realistically post-engine Rick would have other things to worry about besides instagram

30 stories a day, from dawn till dawn again this man is addicted to the layout

doesn't use stickers because hes a grown man BUT HE DOES HAVE A BITMOJI THAT HE USES RELIGIOUSLY

its half office reels, half food pics, and a quarter just rants

overuses tags to hell, even randomly mid sentence , example: "#Amazing day today at @MurkoffOfficial ! this #Work ain't doin itself 📋💻👍🏻 #Workday #Monday #Officeday #ADayInMyLife #Job"

sometimes thinks that Murkoff should totally have a social media account, he knows its dumb but he cant help wanting more followers 😔

"Suns out guns out! #Sunday with my bud @JeremyBlaireOfficial" and its a picture of them in a golf cart holding champagne (not gay, just besties)

Not to sneak in my RickJer agenda but in my minds eye they signed eachothers golf clubs

tags the location if he could he would

username is something obnoxious like 'RichardTragerOfficial' like nobody know u lil bro 😭😭😭

buys likes and followers to feed his ego

4k followers thats like 85% bots

" @McDonaldsOffical Never fails 😂😂😂 #hangovermeal #NoRegrets" and its a fish fillet with the most inhuman bite you've ever seen taken out of it

WOULD POST A SWEATY GYM MAT AND TAG THE GYM AND IT'D HAVE A DUMB CAPTION LIKE "Workout Wednesdays! 🏋🏼‍♂️💪#Wednesday #Gym #Exercise #GymPic #Muscles" HE LACKS SELF AWARENESS DONT LAUGH

would 'ironically' comment "Hot! 🔥🔥🔥" on a mans gym pic and would slutshame a womans gym butt pic

"he hurts every woman hes ever met because his true soulmate is a man" - Sock-rates

he would unironically use hashtags in a sentence for fun, also urges Jer to be more active on Instagram

imagine the most white grown man, now add curly blonde hair, uhuh now give him a gay sweater, now make him homophobic & gay, yep .thats him officer

HAS gotten scammed on instagram, he threathened legal action and got his money back and deleted their account after a week tho

weekday streaks exist to him, no hes not a middle schooler hes actually 30

look at me in the eyes and tell me he wouldn't make fun of feminism in the comments section of those LibzDunked accounts

his Close Friends stories are just aftermaths after nights out, its either him drunk posting or filming himself talking to the camera about his hangover

its just Jer and a few other friends but it has the same intimacy of homosexuality

theres one video where hes drunk and actually tripped and fell so comically its been 7 months and Jer still makes fun of him for it (laughs along but actually hates it like viscerally)

he has 3 phones, both iphones and one is a samsung flip (he wanted the hype), a work phone, home phone, and his normal phone, why does he need so much? why is he not robbed yet? we will never know....

replies to those awareness posts about war in the middle east and goes like "damn.. thats unfortunate 💔 hearts goes out to them 🙏 @Chriswalker89"

most menacing instagram white man, cyberbullies as a past time and has 5 alts just focused on Harrassment+ Stalking people

he'd doxx which hospital your mother is staying in with no shame

"If you don't take that back I'm injecting your mothers spine with brain eating parasites" and he means that for real

would post corny atheist memes & misinformation

induces paranoia as a hobby "Yes ma'am i am a licensed doctor vaccines Do cause autism" as a treat

he fucks around too much one day his main gets suspended and he calls Instagram customer services

if you wouldn't think he'd try to hook up with an instagram influencer you are a liar

weekly self-help book recommendations that he doesn't read and actually just gets payed 7$ per link

im not saying he would make an alt to just hype up his own photos but he would.....do that.....

also gets blackmailed his own dick pic but whatever that was in the past

on a side note Jeremy does have a year old instagram account that only has 2 pictures (both just bar pics of him posing with a glass of wine like an idiot) and his entire Tagged section is just RICHARD TAGGING HIM IN ANYTHING

[amethyst-halo]

btw fuck the tiktok trend of “ohh this sound will get u money dont even dare skip this” “ohhh use this sound for your dream life DONT skip it or it’s over” etc etc it’s so fucking infuriating because it’s bullshit i KNOW it’s bullshit but i can’t get around it because my ocd rips me in half over them

it’s literally just the new version of those facebook “send this to five people or you’ll die” things do u know how distressed those made little undiagnosed me? i fucking hate them because they prey on people like me who have ocd or paranoia or something and sometimes Can’t NOT interact with them or else they’ll have a panic attack At Best. “oh just skip them ignore them they’re dumb” i KNOW they’re dumb but i WILL have an episode if i so much as consider skipping them sometimes it’s not that simple

i think the trend of interaction baiting posts- ESPECIALLY ones that threaten bad things if you skip them- should burn in hell. it’s one thing if it’s something soft like “rb this to give the person u rb’d from some soup” or “rb and tell me what ur favorite candy is” that’s ok interaction bait it’s a fucking whole other ball park if it’s “rb this or this creature will be at the foot of your bed tonight” it’s so fucking awful and i hate it stop making them it’s not funny it never was funny

[thetickleeraven]

heyy, i saw your reasoning for why you wanted to private the blog and that’s totally valid. i’ve been meaning to do the same (digital footprint is a scary thing man…) but i don’t know how to properly do it. i’ve deleted old side blogs i want to no longer associate myself with, but i don’t know if that’s enough.

i haven’t posted any identifying information on any of those blogs (used a fake name, never showed my face, voice, etc). in that case, is it even possible for that (deleted) blog to be traced back to me?

sorry that this is out of the blue!

youre good, one thing i would do if get your shit off the wayback machine if its there. problem is this: when you search for something on wayback it automatically logs it.

what i recently did is go through the process of removing my site from wayback (idk if it even went through they havent emailed me back) but you can look up how to do it and follow the steps if you want

removing shit from wayback may be paranoid, truly it may be, but i am paranoid and wanted to be thorough.

ive been scrubbing my footprint as best i can. deleting all mentions of this blog off everything, privating all videos that had any hint of this blog, deleting all mention of other blogs off this blog before it goes private, everything i can think of.

unfortunately i was not as wise as you and put my face all over this blog which ive now had to go back and delete.

what really sucks is all reblogs stay up. i deleted my face? reblogs of it are still on other blogs with this username attached. no way to get rid of that. another reason i need this blog to go so that username means nothing. all i can hope is that whatever blogs reblogged my face also eventually delete one day.

i hate my younger self for doing all this but all i can do now is try my best to fix it and leave this blog as a memory and nothing more.

i had plans of maybe trying to do fun youtube videos nad maybe trying to grow the channel but my paranoia of this blog being found out has me doubting if i should ever post to my channel again.

TL;DR: look up how to delete from the wayback machine, also reblogs of your old blog cannot be deleted and can be found on other blogs. as long as those reblogs dont have any info tying back to you you should be fine.

[ankhisms]

various ramblings trying to type thoughts ive been having

sometimes i get the feeling that people think less of me or negatively about me due to my different brain issues like not processing and understanding things etc etc and i dont know if thats my anxiety/extremely low self esteem self worth/paranoia combined with a history of people mistreating me or if thats actually happening yknow i really dont want to assume that people dislike me ive been trying to break that pattern of thinking within myself which again comes from a life time of abuse and of people very openly disliking me so my brain goes well its always been the default that people dislike us and are angry with us. its like i know i have brain processing issues but i wish that wouldnt make people like me less or think less of me. instead of telling me that im not actually stupid id like for someone to tell me that even if i am stupid they still care about me and will have compassion for me and my mistakes. ive been thinking about something a mutual said i genuinely cant remember who said it memory issues flaring up so hi if it was you but it was like. online theres this phenomena where even peoples tiny little slip ups and in the bigger picture not that big of a deal mistakes can be documented and held against them for an eternity and that for a long time theres been a certain cultivation of behavior of like. idk what the word is i dont think hyper vigilance is the right term but the kind of mentality where if you make even one mistake you have that held over your head for years. and im realizing that i really grew up with that kind of mentality surrounding me online (and similar mentalities irl) and i think that really fed into and formed a lot of different issues i have. there was a post i rbed maybe earlier this week about not thinking that youre one slip up from your friends abandoning you and i really want to get myself to believe that but the problem is that thats genuinely happened before or thats been threatened to happen before with me and so again my brain goes well it could happen again everyone you know and love could suddenly cut you off out of nowhere with no warning or everyone you know and love is secretly talking about how awful you are. and i get scared that im somehow doing things wrong without knowing that im doing things wrong or hurting people without realizing im hurting them and lately i keep just being hit with the feeling that everything i do is wrong and that im making people angry or upset with me even when im literally not doing anything and it sucks and i wish i knew an easy way to get out of it. ive mentioned this before but when it comes to my issues like this one thing is like. i dont want people to think that im so fragile and scared that ill shatter if they come to me and talk to me saying hey rey this thing you did upset me/hurt me etc i dont want people to think that ill fall apart if im told about a mistake ive made or that ive done something wrong i want people to be able to come to me and talk with me and i always want to be able to grow and admit when im wrong and i dont want to hurt people. and then ive been thinking about how even though i have lovely friends who i cherish and appreciate and love so much i still feel so lonely and seperated from everyone who i know and love and i feel like im on the other side of a glass wall and that no one can reach me and i want to get closer to people but it always feels like i cant. but i dont want to doubt my friends love for me i dont want to doubt that i have a place in peoples lives. but its really hard. anyway its almost midnight i should sleep thanks if you read this

[voidwritesstuff]

Long Way To The Truth

Cw:Lucas has a paranoid spiral, killing off an npc,guns,mentions of ptsd..

♡Chapter Five: Utah

♡summary; Lucas has various run ins with the law,some pleaseant and others...

As he drives into the state of Utah,theres something that had been picking at the back of his mind. That damn black SUV, it may be his paranoia but hes been dealing with these goverment spooks his whole life.

He rolls back his shoulder,trying to shake off the bad feeling thats clinging onto him like a leech. A sigh falls past his lips as he turns on the radio,and for a second time in his journey, Black Sabbath plays,same song.

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

Lucas hisses in discontent at the recognition of the song, but leaves it on. With a scowl he keeps Driving, a resting bitch face that could scare anyone.

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Oh yeah

He hates how much the song fits Him. In any other context he'd be singing along,but after being chased by some weird SUV,yeah no thanks.

One of his "quirks" is that he overthinks,he does that a lot. Hell,that SUV was enough to send him to the edge of a paranoid spiral,hes so damn close, he cant be caught before ever reaching Milton-Haven..

I need someone to show me

The things in life that I can't find

I can't see the things that make

True happiness, I must be blind

See,this is the thing thats making him consider seeing a therapist again,hes used to his paranoid spirals,hes lived with them his whole life. But just because hes gotten used to it,that doesnt mean its easy.

On bad days,he couldnt even leave his house, he'd cover up all Windows and entrances And just bunker himself into his house for days at a time.

He hates It, he hates the feeling of paranoia,the Fear,the anxiety. God,he does need help.

Make a joke and I will sigh

And you will laugh and I will cry

Happiness I cannot feel

And love to me is so unreal

And its not only the paranoia,he feels happiness like its muffled,filtered out. He could laugh,he could find things funny,but the happiness didnt last long. And as much as he wants to hold on to that feeling,there are days where its as brief as the passing breeze.

And so as you hear these words

Telling you now of my state

I tell you to enjoy life

I wish I could but it's too late

The song ends shortly thereafter. He sighs in relief and lets the other songs play out until he reaches a café. There he orders breakfast and sits on a quiet,lone booth in the back.

Paranoid,hes paranoid, he knows that. But he tries to play it off so he doesnt stick out like a sore thumb.

Lucas tilts his head to the side,stretching his neck muscles with a deep sigh. He feels the bones in his neck pop and a lot more relaxed he grabs his Journal

"Already in Utah, ive been paranoid and panicky all day. I havent felt like this since my last paranoid spiral a week ago,the Day I decided I needed to chase this mystery.

God,i can still remember the feeling of having my house in complete shutdown. All the Doors locked, it was GODDAMN awful.

I need a break before I actually have a public freakout and draw more attention to myself. I dont want to be even more of a target...or feel that way ever again.

Thought this trip would help me get out of the house and feel less paranoid. Having to be on the edge of yet another spiral is a Real gut punch to the Morale. Its just a few days more, I think I can hold out.

Hopefully."

Post breakfast,he resumes his Driving,checking his outside mirror more than he should. He double checks that his rifle Is at hand more than he normally would.

Oh he can already feel it setting in,the cold sweating, the anxious bounce of the leg, the way his fingers tap on the Gear shift in an uneven,inconsistent rythm. Its like a melody falling appart.

Hes out of synch,hes out of rythm,like a drummer messing up the beat of the song over and over again.

Lightheaded,his heartbeat is a drum in his ears,blasting and breaking his eardrums. Its awful, asphyxiating

With shaky,irregular breaths his eyes look for a motel nearby. He spots one in the map,one of the things he highlighted before the trip, and on the way there, he decided he needs to calm down.

It starts off with breathing excersices,deep inhales and exhales. Then,grounding excersices, 5 things he can see,four things he can touch,That sort. And slowly but surely,his breath Evens out,his heartbeat returns to normal and he feels back to reality.

Yet,it takes a toll on him. His body feels s lot weaker,more tired.

He hates it,he Hates that he knows whats the right thing to do. And so,he keeps Driving.

As he reluctantly pulls into the parking lot of the motel, Lucas mentally curses that stupid paranoia spiral that led him here.

The door to his van closes rather loudly,usually he is carefull with car Doors, but today hes pretty pissed, so he slams the door shut,catching the attention of a person leaning on the entrance to the motel.

But he doesnt notice them until he hears them go-- Damn,Rough Day.

You wouldve thought he could have broken his neck with the speed that he Turned to see the person talking to him.

Hes met with a rather short woman, around 5'3,short Bond hair,grey eyes and dressed in pretty comfortable normal clothes.

--You could say as much-- he replied, a little annoyed but trying to not lash out.

This girl can tell though, she notices the way his jaw sets and his eyes almost burn a hole through her head.

--You might want to find someone to look out for your van, shit's been crazy as of late.

Lucas squints at her,checking for anything that might confirm his suspicion.

And he does, he sees the glimmer of a badge poking out from the pocket of her jacket. But she looks a lot younger than him and hes too tired to throw down with anyone.

--Tough chance kid,now ive had a very,very,bad day so far. So,if you dont mind-- he starts before the woman stands infront of him. He snarls and hisses a growl,annoyance building up.

--look- I know what youre trying to do

--Youre a fed,'course y'do

--n' I think its the right thing-- she added,which made him back off just a little.-- I wasnt lying about stuff getting crazy,ill Keep an eye out on the van.

--And me

She rolled her eyes, pursing her lips and giving him a blank stare-- you wish. Im on your side and I think it would do you good to listen to what I have to say. Youre a Smart Man,arent you? So quiet down

Fine, hes playing along. Hes too tired to protest-- fine,what is your wisdom, oh great fed.

God,his sarcasm was really taking the wheel,huh?

--I am on your side,I dont think our little friend from the 60s should make a comeback,its too effective,too inhumane -- she explains,relaxing her posture a little since he is not an active threat.-- so you go sleep,hey some rest and get ready. Because theyre comin at you with everything that theyve got

Lucas sighs, nodding-- 'kay, fine so do I have to pay a bribe or something

--dont tempt me. But no-- she replied-- And also,theres this therapist in Milton-Haven,I know a guy whose sister is a patient of his,told me hes a great guy. His names something Wales. I think you could use the help

Oh,so he looks THAT traumatized,huh?

--Good to know I look that fucked up-- he snapped back.

--Brother,we have a whole file on you

--'course y'do

--I know you have PTSD. Trust me- ive bee-- im right there with you, theres help out there for you.

At that,his gaze softens,his heart feels like its being squeezed and his face changes. Hes no longer angry,he feels...sorry.

She can tell,and hes quick to recompose himself and scoff,trying to play it off by walking into the motel as he says-- Hide yer damn badge,yer Fed's showing.

The agent only chuckles at his flusteredness and adds-- sweet dreams,Mr.Cole.

Lucas books a room for the night. He gets set into bed,actually enjoying the comfort of the bed rather than be put off by it.  Hes that exhausted. With a deep breath,he allows his conscience to be taken over by sleep.

He finds himself in the barracks of the place they were stationed at. Hes enjoying the mildly Cool breeze that flows through the few Windows.

--Bored much,lieutenant?--Wheeler asks, with a smirk on his lips.

--oh hey Al-- he replied,as his friend sat down beside him on the bed.-- not bored its just...jetlagged

--yeah ive had that happen to me,itll take a few days to get used to it

--Its like ive been steamrolled-- he murmurs,rubbing his eyes-- im so damn Tir-- he yawns,cutting his sentence in hair--ed

Alphonso chuckled-- welcome to the world,kid. Hey,you wont Belive what I sneaked past the guards

A little curious he asks-- What?

Like a kid in christmas,his Friend pulls out two small Hershey chocolate bars-- the good stuff,kid.

--How did you even--He grabs one of the bars,its Cool to the touch-- how is it cold?

--i have my ways-- Wheeler answer with a shrug as he peeled open the chocolate.

--Who did you even have to bribe to get these past,well,everyone?!--Lucas asked, impressed,confused and slightly worried that this will come back to bite them in the ass.

--A true magician never reveals his methods,'n also you'd be surprised at the ammount of shit ive Snucked in-- his captain answered,taking a bite out of his chocolate-- Get rid of the evidence before it melts. Cmon

Enthusiastically,he mows down that chocolate,laughing along with Wheeler to some of his tales of Shenanigans past.

He awakens with a groan as he rolls on his back, his body feeling a little sore. It takes him a second to stand up,spending a few minutes laying on his back with one hand on his stomach and the other behind his head.

When he does eventually sit up,he rubs the sleep out of his eyes and a sleepy whine escapes him,sounding Like a half asleep kitten rather than a fully grown 55 Year old Man.

"13:05"reads the clock on the nightstand,he sighs loudly and gets ready to leave to get lunch. But when he opens the door he finds a cardboard bag with a mcdonalds emblem printed on it,and on it a note "Its not poisoned. YES this note Will make you think that it is, if I wanted you dead I would've Killed you in your sleep. Anyway I hope you had a good nap. -S.V."

And once again,just when he thinks his life couldnt get any weirder, life proves him wrong

Hes not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth,so he takes the food and eats. It disturbs Him a little that she got his order right too, but hes also not that surprised.

Once hes done eating, he goes to check on his van through the Window of his room. Still there,nothing out of place from what he can see, but Parked right Next to It  is a black SUV. He looks low key OFFENDED that she would park the very obvious fed vehicle right Next to his white van.

But then he stops and thinks about the absolute insanity that is having a white van Next to an unmarked SUV. Both of the most suspicious vehicles to ever exist on this planet,Next to eachother just hanging out.

For his peace of mind he figured its like negative plus negative equals positive. If people saw those two things there they'd think nothing of it because who would actually do that.

Yet before he backs off to Keep sleeping, he notices the Agent go into the SUV with what seems to be a happy meal box, and just sit there and eat as she listens to the radio.

He knows that federal agents are people just like he was,but actually seeing an agent jam out to aqua's "Barbie girl" was defenetly an experience. But he feels moved and only scoffs playfully,to then Grab a fresh pair of clothes and get into the shower.

Because of the day he was having,he didnt do his whole routine. He just did enough so his hair didnt look like complete shit and left It as it was,whatever happened to it was between him and god.

Tiredly,he hops into bed only to hear a rattle come from the cardboard box that was still on the bed. He reaches over only to find a green tamagochi in the bag,theres a note taped on it "a token of peace for when youre stuck in a traffic jam"

He snorts and decides to kill of some time by playing with the tamagochi. He'd have to look for tracking devices later,but that was an issue for future Lucas.

Current Lucas spends his time playing with the tamagochi for a few hours until hes ready to leave. He packs up his stuff,puts the little Toy in his pocket and goes to his van to shove all his shit in there.

But before he leaves, he goes to the store by foot, gets exactly two Hershey chocolate bars and returns.

--No wonder I caught your badge--He mutters,noticing the Window of the SUV rolled down half way. He grabs the Hershey chocolate that has a note on it and lets it fall on the drivers Seat, then he goes into his own vehicle and just as he closes the door he notices something.

Theres a small bundle of notes on the passenger Seat tied together with an elástica band.

He takes a few seconds to take a quick look at them, they're mayer documents, theres a list with adresses of buildings, a few with redacted notes.

And a little post it that says "if anybody asks,I didnt get them for you. This never happened,I dont exist. Also itll do you good to find Dr.James. safe trip"

Lucas raises a brow but sets the papers down, and just as he pulls away from the parking lot,his fed friend comes from the inside of the motel and watches him leave. He salutes her and she salutes right back, leaving her to Snicker to herself.

She gets into her car only to notice the chocolate bar with the note, she takes it and it reads "thanks for looking out for my van. Consider this your Bribe- LT.L.C." and underneath it theres a small Killroy drawn with the phrase "get killroiy'd" ,The agent snorts and gets into her car.

She needs to think for a damn good lie to tell her assigned battle buddy,a guy by the last name Dwight,who she left on the dinner they had breakfast at whilist waiting for Lucas to show up. She knew it had to be good,if not her fellow agent would go and check it out, and she did not like his odds against Lucas.

They werent particularly close. Hell,shes never heard of the guy before this very day. But both were there to hold eachother accountable just in case, and the guy had a reputation for taking matters in his own hands If he wasnt satisfied with the results of others.

For some reason,the mere thought of that left a sour taste in her mouth. She had to be careful about this to not out herself,or hey anyone in trouble or worse.

Regardless,Most of Lucas' night drive goes by without any issue,most of the night though. He catches another loose interaction in that no longer dormant frequency.

He stops the van on the side of the road,nothing but Rolling fields of wetlands around him. Theres cicadas and grasshoppers serenading the moon that night as it peeks from the dark clouds. If you were to stand there for a bit, you'd feel very alone very quickly. Its really unsettling.

Theres a bit of static but not enough to the Point that its a garbled mess, he hears a female voice, has to be early thirties.

《Confirm arrival of shipment,over》

And a male voice answers 《confirming arrival of shipment. ETA a few months,still waiting on the ship. Over》

That same female voice replied 《ten-four.》 Then theres a brief pause,he hears an impatient sigh from the woman and then she adds 《Lets hope the ship doesnt crash or else we're all in big FUCKING trouble. Romeo Mike Julliet out》

He knew the shipment was a big deal but- hearing that Lady sound that impatient for it really Honed in the idea.

Lucas writes down what he heard and closes his Journal,and just as hes about to tuck in for the night, he hears the rustling of Grass and semi quiet footsteps approaching his van.

"Why is nothing ever allowed to be simple" he thinks,getting his gun ready and cocking it as silently as he could. He turns off the lights on his van,making it seem like hes going to sleep, he lays down,hiding himself between the dark shadows of the van as the moon gets covered by the thick stormy clouds.

When the head of his intruder is peeking through the half opened Window of the Man's back door he shoots.

Even if the rifle wasnt suppressed, nobody wouldve heard the shot in the middle of that field Clad road. The body falls and he waits for a shitstorm.

But its quiet.

And then his mind goes to that agent he met,his blood freezes and he tenses up. The Sky gets struck with thunder so loud it might break the heavens in two, the rain pours down on the earth.

Oh no

The doors SLAM Open as he looks at the short figure laying limp on the road. His breath quickens as he steps out and hovers over the body.

Blood gets swept by the rain,the thunder illuminates the fields in brief flashes of white light,like a roar from a celestial lion.

On the side of the road,the green Grass gets stained crimson and as his heart beats to the rythm of a thousand drums,to the Point that it drowns out the storm...

He sighs in relief as he sees its another agent,a guy,pretty short in statue. His eyes catch the guy's CIB badge strapped to his belt --OH THANK GOD

But then the reality sets in, he just Killed a CIB agent.

Oh.

Shit.

Like a bat out of hell,he hops right back into his van and drives the whole night through,soaked in rain and checking his back every four minutes. By sunrise he makes it to Nevada and stays in the most hidden,most inconspicuous cheap motel he can find. He just fucked up. Big. Time.

[bullshit-tqia]

how is stating that trans women are oppressed the same as saying you arent oppressed? at no point did i say that at all. exactly which of us is supposed to be "lobotomized" when you cant even read a simple statement of fact without thinking its supposed to mean something completely different that was not said anywhere at all? you are already so paranoid and bitter that the only way you can conceive of being told that other people who are not like you existing and facing their own set of systemic struggles as a personal attack, an accusation, an invalidation. there was nothing of the sort. you are tilting at windmills.

frankly, i was very kind and patient with you. i supported your decision to detransition and wished you well and gave you advice that i learned from my own personal experience with the garbage youre getting into, which i didnt have to, considering what a cruel and unpleasant person you seem to be. as much as youre becoming "like everyone else" by detransitioning, you might be surprised to find that most people do not really enjoy spending time with cruel and unpleasant bigots, even if they themselves have their own unexamined prejudices, because people tend to find cruel and unpleasant people to be poor company, and even moreso when all that cruelty and unpleasantness is directed at a minority group. most terfs post about how lonely and miserable theyve become, how few people want them around and how nobody loves them anymore. that is your potential fate, too-- undoubtedly moreso you than most, because again, you are a cruel and unpleasant person to begin with.

you should appreciate the fact that anyone at all is being kind and patient with you and is trying to help you, considering the way youre acting and the things youre saying. multiple people are coming into your askbox, not to judge you, but to express concern and offer advice, because we care and we want you to be happy. bigotry is not just bad for the people around you. bigotry is a parasite that eats away at you until there's nothing left except it. it turns you into a shell of a human being.

i know youre angry. i know the world sucks. i know being trans sucks, but what can you do? we are the way we are and, for the most part, all people are more the same than we are different, and no one is so different that they deserve the kind of hatred and cruelty you've subscribed to.

for the record, and because i know you'll translate my sincerity into some sort of violent attack that frames trans women as perfect angels, i don't think its right when some trans women attack transmascs the way they do. i especially fucking hate it when some trans women make rape threats and sexually harass afab people for being afab. there are plenty of extremely cruel and unpleasant trans women that i dont want to be around or listen to, so i dont. cruelty and unpleasantness are common human characteristics across all identities and ways of life. i am, however, happy to extend a helping hand to a cruel and unpleasant person in need (such as yourself.) that doesnt mean i have to like the person im trying to help. i don't like you at all, but i still want to help you.

im sure that you'll see my hand stretched out before you and interpret it as an incoming slap, but that is all in your head. that is how paranoia works. get help from a professional, seriously. get to the root of the problem. heal yourself. someday youll understand, i can only hope. or maybe youll kill yourself because none of this has made anything better. don't do that.

you're wrong about palestine. its very sad to see someone ardently support a genocide. i suppose it does follow, though; one bigotry begets another and another and another. ive seen terfs post articles in favor of racial segregation in sports on the basis that they were also in favor of gender segregation in sports. is that the person you want to be for the rest of your life?

🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸free palestine 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸

Ofc people like you are so annoying. “Your opinion means you are angry and bitter and hateful and paranoid.” It’s offensive and misogynistic. I can’t possibly have any sound, rational mind because I am an upset woman. It’s like your brain melts when confronted with analogies. But the fact you can’t understand principles themselves proves how retarded gender ideology is, how sexist it is too. You aren’t against sexism in principle.

Trans women are sooooo oppressed, people who misgender them because they have a different opinion on how sex & gender operate can be arrested for misgendering them in countries like Canada and England. That’s the epitome of oppression. This isn’t hyperbole. Someone misgendering anyone should be permitted per freedom of speech laws. To be against this is to be authoritarian in nature. To equate misgendering, which can be accidental, to something like Nazism is crazy.

This goes to show just how the trans movement is unlike any other social movement in history. If I was typing this across the border in Canada, the police would show up at my door. That’s fucking crazy. And people have been investigated for this shit, and now it’s creating more anger towards trans people in both countries. And good. They and you deserve it. It’s a rule of the minority.

This idea that I someway somehow was completely unlike all other trans people when my dysphoria was exactly like other trans people’s is baffling. It was so easy for me to get on testosterone because I am very masculine in the way that I act and think. My doctor took one look at my candor and was like “oh yeah, I can tell.” But that’s bullshit. My brain isn’t male, that shit doesn’t exist, it’s a sexist fairytale. Less white matter in male brains doesn’t correlate to anything, that hasn’t been proven to be the catalyst in gender dysphoria. There is no scientific basis for transition, and over half the community think the idea of “you need dysphoria to be trans” is bullshit. So why would society be at whim of your choices? Why should society agree with you purposely harming your body through exogenous hormones and surgeries?

That is the epitome of entitlement. People agreeing with you is not a human right. People using a certain word to address you, is not a human right. You are a sheltered, spoiled child if you think this.

Shut the fuck up with your fake therapy speak. It’s not genuine and you don’t care. You are trying desperately to make someone believe the same bullshit they were bullied into thinking when they were in middle school. But unlike you, I grew up. There is a swarm of lawsuits by detransitioners across the country that are going to end this practice whether you like it or not.

You’re so retarded you repeat the most elementary logical fallacies on this earth. “This one terf posts how lonely they are,” and every trans woman on twitter is a fucking incel. Now what? “Most people don’t like bigots,” most people don’t know anything about this issue to begin with, most people don’t like talking about politics. Now what?

“Someday you’ll understand, I can only hope, or maybe you’ll kill yourself.”

This is exactly the problem. How the fuck am I the crazy one when you’re fantasizing me killing myself because I have a different opinion??? This is pure revenge fantasy!! You’re fucking psychotic!

[castlebyersafterdark]

perhaps you dont want to speak for an entire nation lmao, but im assuming youre american and if so, do you know why people assume that byler having sex is dirty, and do not see sex as an expression of love? how is love dirty? how is sexual experimentation dirty?

is sex ed not taught in schools over there? is religious paranoia really still that big of a deal in the US? are perhaps most of these people from southern or religious/homophobic states? or are they just people from all over the world who do not like the idea of accidentally conflating mike and will as children in earlier seasons with their older counterparts experimenting sexually? after all, if youre scrolling the tag all day, it's easy to see posts of young miwi/byler followed by highly explicit byler posts, and that can subconsciously fuck with your brain i guess.

but the show itself is obviously linear in terms of growth, so any story being told in canon isnt fucked up. i mean, they flashback, but their controversial creative choices are fantastic storytelling with reasons for being there, like nancy's virginity loss + barb's death. deliberately uncomfortable. but no part of byler being together and romantic is meant to make you uncomfortable. it should give you the happies.

Guilty! American all the way. And I mean this with genuine sincerity, it's kind of a huge and unfortunate reality of the state of things in this country. And many places around the world? I'd love to know where there's this seemingly so open-minded place that makes you question the mere possibility that people view gay sex negatively. Certainly interesting reality. I'd love if that was the case!!

"sex as an expression of love? how is love dirty? how is sexual experimentation dirty?" I MEAN, yeah!! That's the big question we've all been asking ourselves for... forever. To exhaustion.

Yeah, those who aren't backwards and bigoted and hateful don't view it like that, but even the most well-intentions hold prejudice as well. America? Constantly in a battle with the "traditional" values people, the extremist religious agenda, the conservatism that plagues the country. Yeah. It's pretty bad. Kind of a prevailing issue. Religious paranoia rules the land.

It's not even the sex-ed angle, because straight people are getting the kick in the teeth as well. If the public school system is failing the, admittedly, majority population on sex education, do you think gay kids stand a chance?? Hell no. My high school was barely passable above some of the crazy things I've heard that people "learn" in class, but I'd say most schools are teaching abstinence and barely covering the topic of anatomy properly. Basically taught us about how if we had sex we were all going to immediately catch diseases and then they made us watch a birth video and when it ended they just said. Don't have sex or those are your options. And then they spent a very long time teaching us all the street names of various drugs which was ridiculous, they were thorough. That's what it's like in a mild situation. And that's just my experience, and not universal. I've heard about better, and I've heard far far worse.

There's a lot to be said and has been said about the state of the fandom so I'm not going to dive into this all right now. Always trying to keep it positive and light and just do my thing and encourage others to do their things even if other people don't want them to. Being unrelenting against censorship and all that is the first step so. I don't know. There's a lot of good going on but there's a lot of problems, too. A lot of problems. For every instance where something feels progressive, just look around and there's something else that's combative. I try to do what I can and speak up and not dwell in stuff that thoroughly depresses me. I'm just one guy 😔 I mean, it's not bleak constantly, or everywhere, but the threats are very real...

[yesquestionsasked]

Hello world. What is this for?

It’s so weird why I am so afraid of posting. I thought about it and it’s all fear based. Like I am so afraid of being “found out”? I cant really pinpoint what it means. Very imposter syndrome. Also like stage fright. I have so many stuff online that I am afraid to post because in my paranoia (even when I am anon) it is so “omg I cant believe I said that” or “people will think im this or that” or “what if they take what Im saying the wrong way?”. Which is so not true and very unhealthy. Even if the thing I post is so innocent! Its an insane amount of judgement on myself. me vs me. I spend more time than I should of thinking of replies to the point wherein it confuses me if Im being real or am I saying what this other person wants to hear and I just want to please them? The internet scares the hell out of me. it feels like im center stage with a microphone looking at the audience but cant see anything because the lights are too glaring and loud. I was put on stage for reasons I dont know and I dont know what to say either! But I know what I feel. I know my thoughts. I know Im human. Someone out there for sure feels me. And that’s what matters.

Today, I will post my tumblr entry and finally I wont post it privately. Ill let this one out. And if Im feeling a little daring, might post the others I have. Ill see where this goes and what that makes me feel. I do want to improve my writing. I want to be decent at describing what I feel and let it out of me as an expression and letting out my energy. Im not trying to be famous or make money off of it. I just want my thoughts out and find my true voice. 

[nanamisflowerfield]

For the fluff alphabet may i request jack howl? Also just want to say i love your writing sm and hope ur not driven away like some other twst creators because of the toxic fandom 😭 just know you dont have to listen to them and theyre just being bullies (that is if anyone has said something mean) thank you 💖

AAAHHH! I'm so sorry that I couldn't do it faster! I couldn't have found your request and searched it everywhere and I'm so surprised that I found it rn! Thankfully my paranoia let me write it, even though I thought that I just imagined your lovely request and I can post it now!! ojgojelgs

And thank you so much! It means so much hearing you say that, really!!!💕 And don't worry, my dear anon! Everything is alright and I am super happy to write with many people and am not in contact with the said toxic ones, that I haven't seen yet ^^ Thank you so much, my dear💕💕💕 I hope that you have a great day and also like this one!💕

1k follower event

A - Acceptance — How long did it take for them to accept that they were in love? What were they like after accepting it?

A short time like a week, but when he realized it, his tail always waggled around whenever you were nearby and his cheeks might get a bit red, when you tried to touch his tail or ears.

B - Best Friends — What was it like to be friends with them? Have things changed since you started dating?

Nothing changed. But you were allowed to touch his tail and ears now!

C - Confession — How did their confession go? Was it planned or was it out of the blue?

Jack wanted to confess to you on that day, but something had changed inside of his mind. When he had told you to wait for him, he came a bit later than planned and saw you talking to Ruggie. Suddenly, your hand had patted his head and Jack’s eye twitched. How dare Ruggie to smile at you?! How dare you to pat somebody who wasn’t him!? Anger took over and he had pulled you away from the confused hyaena, as he rambled to you, that you shouldn’t do such a thing like patting people. That’s a no-go! Never do it! “And if you ever want to pat somebody’s head, than pat me!” His cheeks blushed and he turned around, trying to calm himself down.

D - Date — What was the first date with them like? What is their go-to date? What is their dream date?

Your first date with the fluffy and lovely puppy uhh… wolf, was actually a long walk and a special place he had once found. It was a flower field, that he had found with lots of luck and had wanted to show you the day his eyes saw the bright and colorful flowers.

E - Elapse — How long can they go being away from their s/o?

Max 3 days, but you two have to text during the days…

F - Fight — How often do they fight with their s/o? Do they apologize first or do they wait for an apology?

Jack isn’t one to fight with most people and he surely won’t like to fight with you. If there was a fight, then he will try to apologize first.

G - Gift — What is something they would buy as a gift for their s/o?

Little accessories’ he will find and will make him think of you.

H - Hug — Do they like to hug their s/o? If so, how often do they hug them? What are their hugs like?

He is a secret hugging-puppy. Loves them so much! Just giving and getting hugs will make his tail move faster than Sebek could ever run for Malleus! Jack’s hugs are warm and also strong, because he doesn’t want to let you go. He will often hug you, when you want to hug or before going to bed.

I - Introduction — How did you meet them? What was your first impression on them?

You met him during one of your history lessons and wanted to hug him, as he looked like a sweet fluffy puppy!

J - Jealousy — How easily do they get jealous? What do they do in that state of jealousy?

Jack will only get jealous, if you will pat somebody, because that’s something you should do to him! Not anybody else! Give him your love and not another student!

K - Kisses — What are their kisses like?

Sweet and lovely. It felt like as if a ghost had kissed you, so soft and sweet were his kisses!

L - Love — When did they realize they were truly in love with their s/o?

When you had hugged him after his practice. He was all sweaty and smelly, but you hadn’t minded it at all!

M - Marriage — Do they ever think of marriage or how they would propose?

No, he won’t think of it.

N - Nicknames — What nicknames do they call their s/o? What nicknames do they like being called?

He isn’t a fan of nicknames, so you won’t get any and he won’t hate or love his nicknames, if you give him any.

O - Oath — What is something (i.e. a bad habit) they try to stop doing for their s/o?

He would try to stop any bad habit for you, if you would ask him.

P - PDA — What is their outlook on pda? Do they love it or do they hate it? What’s the most affection they’ll give their s/o in public?

He isn’t a big fan of showing affection in public. But he won’t mind holding your hand in front of others. But more than that, will make him blush so no!

Q - Quandary — What’s the most awkward thing they’ve dealt with since dating their s/o?

Actually, every time you patted him in front of your friends. There is no most awkward thing for him.

R - Ruminate — How often do they think or daydream about their s/o?

No daydreams. But there were a few dreams, when he fell asleep in your warm embrace, making him dream of you. Also he would think a couple of times of you during the day.

S - Scent — What do they smell like? (i.e. peppermint or cedar wood)

Fresh grass and a bit of sweat and meat.

T - Talk — How often do they talk about their s/o in front of others?

When he thinks about you, he will do it.

U - Unique — What’s something they would do only for their s/o?

How I have mentioned before: Letting you touch his tail and ears.

V - Vulnerable — What’s something their s/o does that makes them weak to their knees?

Soft kisses and head pats!

W - Witty — What was their reaction to making their s/o laugh for the first time?

His tail waggled fast.

X - Xylophone — What is a song that describes the relationship or their feelings towards their s/o?

Biosphere - Midnight Train

Y - Yearn — What is something they look for or would like to have in a s/o?

Getting some pats on his head. Patience, love and a calm person is what he likes the most.

Z - Zzz — How are they when it comes to sleeping? Are they a cuddler, a blanket hogger, ect?

He is a big cuddler and loves to cuddle with you!

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It would be lovely to be supported with a small ko-fi.~ :3